Closings

So, I'm working on this show, backstage, and they're closing today. A wonderful production of You Can't Take It With You here at Antaeus. I say "they're" closing, not "we're" closing, because I joined the show near the end of the run, and I'm not one of the actors in the show. However, I do play a "small but vital role" as the wielder of the props, but it's just such a different experience. And, I'm enjoying watching all these folks, that started working on this play many, many weeks ago, enjoy each other. They're laughing and crying, and in this wonderful place of celebration as they send this one off to the Theatre Gods. And it's really lovely to be on the outside, to actually get to witness this experience, instead of being inside all the feelings that come up when you have to say "good-bye" to a play that you've loved performing in. I thought it was going to be uncomfortable, not being "in the midst", but I'm realizing what a gift it is, to see, from an objective point of view, how remarkable this life in the theatre really is. This life that continually blooms and dies, then blooms again in a different way and thus dies again in a different way, over and over again. This life, that despite the odds and the costs, continues to thrive. It is indeed a mystery.

Friendship

So, I've been thinking a lot about this recently. What exactly this means. I remember my first best friend (I guess the kids today say BFF or something like that). I can't tell you how we came to be friends. If it was a matter of convenience or temperament or similar likes and dislikes. But we were friends for many, many years, until she moved away. And even then, my parents and hers would arrange for us to spend a few weeks together in the summer. We would create stories around the dolls we shared and we would fight over...I don't remember what exactly...but it was one of those things where, even with my limited capacity for understanding the finer points of complex personal relationships, I knew that the two of us together would endure. We would survive her moving away and our rows. Of course, we eventually grew up and apart and reconnected on the facebook years later. And since then, I've had numerous friends throughout my life. But it has occurred to me that some of the people were not actually friends. Some were men I "dated" who just wanted to be "friends". We all know what THAT means. Some were rather toxic individuals that I got some sick satisfaction out of letting control me, or letting me control them. And then there were those people that I only seemed to meet up with at a bar and we would make "all those plans" and then never follow through. And then there were those who were and are closer to family: they drive me crazy and I can't hang out with them all the time, but I've known them for so long and been through so much with them, that there's no question in my being that we shall "endure". But I've experienced a new kind of friendship over these past few years. And that's not to say that I'm meeting a different kind of people, it's that my understanding of and approach to actual friendship is different now. Boy, those men I dated were wrong. Being a friend to someone, letting them be a friend to you, is infinitely more complex and rewarding than "dating". I have learned that being a friend is an action. It involves patience, attention, forgiveness, trust, willingness, vulnerability, understanding, kindness, and, above all, love. True love. Not the "I give to get" kind of love, but the "I give, because that will make you happy" kind of love. Love that, as Father Robert Barron says, "wills the good will of the other as other". It is not about possession, or about control, or about manipulation, or about barter, or about justice, or about power. It's sometimes just about sitting and listening to someone cry. It's sometimes just about letting someone else listen to you cry. It's about asking someone for help. It's about giving someone else help when they ask. It's about watching someone act out or fall down or descend into despair or hurt themselves or others and loving them anyway. It's about knowing that someone will do the same for me. And so we bear witness to each other's lives. And that really is all. That really is everything. It is indeed the food that we cannot live without. At least I can't.

Jury Duty

I know, "grooooaaaannnnn". That's what everyone says when you tell them you're on Jury Duty. And it is a bit of a groan, but this time, I actually got on a trial. And while I am at liberty now that it's over to talk about the case, what I'm really more interested in is talking about the jury. I've heard all these horror stories from the attorneys I know saying "it's so hard to get good jurors, they're all so stupid!" or from people I know who've been on juries "oh, my god, the other jurors were so not interested!" or from people I know who've had to be tried by a jury "oh, the jurors were so lame!" Well, I'm here to tell you that that was NOT my experience. I was sitting down with eleven of the most thoughtful, kind, interested and interesting, delightful people. They were funny. They were courteous. They were just down right nice. And they were very human. And, most importantly, everyone really, really, really wanted to do the right thing. And, what I found particularly lovely, is people spoke up about their sadness that they had to find the defendant guilty. That someone, who by all accounts was not a "bad" person, made a really, really, really bad decision. It was really quite remarkable. And because of these fellows, it really made me rise to the occasion. I found myself taking a little more time to think about something I thought I had already made a judgement on. I found myself trying to help clarify a point rather than be an advocate for a point. In short, these eleven strangers, by their simple, straightforward authenticity and goodness, made me want to be my own authentic and good self. And I will always be grateful for the opportunity to have sat on a jury like this one. To see our country's legal system, with all it's flaws and failings, at work. A trial by a jury of one's peers. Remarkable. Truly. It was an honor and a privilege.

Shelter

So, I think I'm starting to realize that if I don't feel safe, I don't do very well. When I feel afraid or insecure, I start to "get" security from the outside world. I try to use ice cream or mac-n-cheese or a DVD box set or a ton of work or another person to feel "okay". And wow does that not work. The trouble is I pretty much always feel "unsafe". I'm pretty much afraid of most things. Afraid of change. Afraid not to change. Afraid of being around people. Afraid of not being around people. You get the idea. So what to do? I'm mean it seriously gets so bad that the other day I was lying in my bed saying to myself "God, I wish I was in bed!" Which leads me to believe that it's not really a physical problem, this security issue, it's a spiritual problem. Anyway, what to do? Well, the irony is "not much". I heard a wonderful line: "Don't just do something, sit there!" And it really works. In terms of this whole "feeling safe" thing. Because if I just take a pause, take a moment, and remind myself that I'm okay, in this moment. That I'm not bleeding, that nothing is really wrong, and that, no matter what happens, I will be given what I need at any given moment to do what I need to do, if only I am willing to ask, to seek, to witness. I have to put out my hand. And only then, will someone take it. I have been, and will be, and am, right now, being taken care of. And what's great about that realization. Is that then I don't need anything from the outside world. So I can just enjoy the outside world. I can participate in it, because I don't have to "get" anything from it. I can just be in it. One day at a time.

Primary Purpose

I don't know. But if I don't have one of these, I'm sunk. It's really hard going through the day constantly wondering and worrying about what all my actions will add up to, what it all means, what's right, what's wrong, what's good, what's bad...but when I think about what I'm here for. What I'm really here for. Then everything else seems to fall into place. And really, I'm here to help others. To bring harmony wherever I go. And the only way I can do that is to keep myself undisturbed. Because when I'm disturbed...look out. So, it's my job to be aware of what state I'm in, and then after that...well, pretty much I try to listen and be kind. And ask questions. I heard an interview with Michael Sheen about his three-day performance piece called the Passion of Port Albert, where he enacted the Passion of the Christ in modern times over 72 hours in his Welsh fishing village, Port Albert. When asked why he wanted to play Jesus, he said that he felt that it was the greatest fear of all human beings that their story will never be heard, that no one will bear witness to their life. So, that that's what Jesus did, more than anything, he listened to everyone's story. So, I think I can try that. To listen to people. And then take a nap. It's a start.

Down Time

So it's hard. For people like me. Who determine their value in the world by the amount of work they do. To take a day off. But I know it's important to do this. So, I'm starting small. Just taking a few hours off here and there as a start. And you know what? It's pretty great. Of course it takes about a half hour for me to relax, to actually accept the fact that I'm really not supposed to do anything during this allotted time. But once I settle in. It's really nice. But then, this thing happens. I'm just sitting there or lying there or walking there and I think: "oh, man, this'd be great to do all the time." And then it's all over. I descend. I think "I can't believe I have to WORK, why do we have to WORK, why can't we do what we want ALL THE TIME????" It's pretty bad. And I think that's why I never want to "stop". Because once I stop, then I won't want to start again. It's that old "if I take a twenty minute nap, I'm gonna want a two hour nap, so why bother" thing. What it really amounts to is I don't know how to just be where I'm at. I'm so worried about what's going to happen, that I'm not really aware of what's happening. So, in effect, I'm missing my life. Because my life actually only "happens" in the present. It's the only place in which I breathe and observe and enjoy and love and cry and am a human being. So, I think it's worth it. To practice being present. To practice just being here. To practice being a human being instead of a human doing. Because the work I do will not show up at my funeral. The people I take the time to chat with and listen to and sit with and walk with and love on will be. So, I think they're worth a little "down time". We all are worth a little "down time".

Love

So because of my post yesterday I got some "inquiries" from various friends asking if I was "okay". I explained that while indeed some of those things had happened to me recently, not all of those things had happened to me. That is was more of a "or" situation than an "and" situation, and that I was trying to be "inclusive" and also, it seems, "hypothetical". Regardless, the point is: I have people that care about me! And while that's been something that I've been blessed with my entire life, I've only recently been able to actually comprehend that fact. To actually physically feel that fact. I don't know what it is that keeps some of us from experiencing and accepting the love that people wish to share with us, give us, shower upon us. And I don't know why it is that I'm one of those people. But I do know that, despite my thoughts on the matter, there is a cold hard truth: people love. And they need a recipient of that love. So, in so very many ways, not accepting someone's love is a selfish act. It's always been said that humans need two things to survive, they need to be loved and to be needed. But I like Chuck Chamberlain's version: that what humans really need is to love and to do. Makes sense to me. And so, that means it is just as much my responsibility to receive love as it is to give it. But here's the rub: sometimes people don't love me the way I want them to love me. And sometimes they don't want to be loved the way that I want to love them. So, once again, I have to pay attention in these matters. And really, really make it an endeavor of mine to discern exactly how someone wants to be loved, as well as let people off the hook for loving the best that they can. We all are. Doing the best that we can. Just for today.