Make Good Art--Neil Gaiman Address

I found this unbelievably inspiring and true...at least so far in this wacky life of mine...

Do watch...

Neil Gaiman Address

DOING HORRIBLE THINGS

So, I recently did something I'm not proud of. I recently acted in a way that could have, but did not (thank God), hurt someone. And I'm not talking about something major like stealing thousands of dollars from children in need, or fleeing the scene of an accident I caused...by all accounts, it was something fairly small...but to me...it seems HUGE! And I am spinning, replaying the incident over and over in my head, and vacillating between beating myself up and trying to justify my behavior by reminding myself of all the "bad" things that other person has done...you get the idea. So I've been trying, when I'm not either blaming myself or the other person, to just sit in the uncomfortable feeling of shame. And it's really, really, really hard to do. But my practice tells me that if I continue to blame, either myself or the other person, that I am in fact just "trying to escape" from the truth of the situation, which is, that I acted in a way that is selfish and based in fear. And when I do that, I'm going to experience pain. Guilt, shame, fear, insecurity, etc. And while sitting in that pain is extremely hard to do, and it feels like the "wrong" thing to do at times, I do know that it is the only way to keep myself from escalating my own suffering. That if I put in a modicum of effort into trying to get to know these feelings of guilt, shame, fear, insecurity, etc., that I can eventually experience them as what they really are: just feelings. They are not facts. They are not proof that I should be kicked off the planet or that other people should just shape up and do what I want for crying out loud...they are actually just thoughts with energy. So while I practice that, and have the willingness to let the story my head is telling me about a given situation go and just sit in that energy, I get these little insights. And they're not the usual "mental" insights that I have which usually involve me starting my own business or over-booking myself...it's more an inspiration of the heart. A clear moment of seeing. And this time, that insight involved me suddenly realizing that the REASON I feel so crappy about doing this "thing" that I did, is not just that I'm afraid people will think I'm a horrible, evil person that is not worthy of ANYONE'S love, but that I'm starting to recognize other people as my brothers and sisters. If I didn't feel bad about what I did, then I would actually be worse off, I would indeed be a horrible, evil person...but I'm not. I feel bad. Because I hurt someone, or could have hurt someone, and because that person is not, in fact, different from me or separate from me, because they are, in fact, my brother/sister, no better and no worse, because of that, I am going to, in fact, experience pain when I pretend that I am separate. That you are different. That I need to get stuff from you. That I need to keep stuff from you. That I need to make sure that I'm up and you're down in order to feel okay. That if I let you see that I'm afraid or uncomfortable or don't know what to do or am flawed and fall down a lot or say stupid crap a lot or pretend that I've "got it all together". If I see you and me in the illusion of this world, that you and I are NOT part of the same fabric, the same earth, the same energy...then I am going to continue to suffer, because I am going to continue to feel as though you can hurt me, and so, to guard against that, I'm going to hurt you first. And that is a fact. That is not just a feeling. So what I'm here to celebrate this morning, while I still continue to feel crappy, is that I'm changing. That my perception and experience of this world is shifting. These feelings I have are a direct result of me starting to see the world as it really is. A manifestation of interbeing. And my role in that "interbeing" is to share. My time, my voice, my love, my sadness, my joy, my wee bit of knowledge, my experience, my weakness, my strength, and dammit, my hope that all this, if I keep practicing, will, in fact, mean something to somebody somewhere...

Bad Days

So, ugh, well, what do you do? When you feel like...ugh, well, that you don't know what you're doing. Or if you know what you're doing, then you don't know what you're doing it for. Or if you do know what you're doing and why you're doing it, then there's that horrible feeling that it'll never get done, or there's really no point in doing it at all or no one's going to appreciate your work, or...worst of all...no one will appreciate YOU. Well, I really don't know what to do on days where I feel any/all of the above. Other than just call a friend. There's really nothing else to do, because as I've learned over the last few years it's my brain that's the problem. It's actually creating all these thoughts that are so vicious and horrid, so why would I continue to try to use that very brain to solve the problem that it created in the first place? Well, I don't really know, but I do know that that's always what I try to do. But I'm learning, I'm PRACTICING doing something different. So when I call a friend, I get out of my brain's territory. And I get into the territory of my heart. Which is always happiest when it's touching someone else's heart. That's the only solution that I know of...so I'm going to do that. Right now. Because today, well, oy...yuck. I have discovered, yet once again, that I am human. Sigh...

Submissions/Auditions

Wow. It's such a strange thing. To just keep sending people stuff and showing up in front of people with your stuff and continually saying over and over, or rather, being WILLING to say over and over: "Hey, do you like my stuff?" Such is the world of the writer and the actor...just continually "putting yourself out there" as they say. Not sure who "they" is, but you get the idea. I realized a long time ago that this is indeed the job. The act of writing or performing is the gift. But the TRYING to get the writing/acting gig...is the actual job. But what I've realized recently, is that instead of focusing on the "Hey, do you like my stuff" strategy, perhaps a better way to think about it might be: "Hey, I can do this stuff, and I think you could use it." Not so much an inquiry as a clear expression of intent and capacity. For me, it somehow reminds me I'm in the business of offering my talent and training as an option, not begging or praying that someone will like me enough to hire me. Because, oh, boy, do I NOT want to go back to dating like I did right after college. Uffda! It's a simple adjustment of language, of thought, but it's really quite huge. To remember that we are the work that we're brave enough to do, not the applause or criticism that we receive. And I'm discovering that that is enough. To do the best I can on any given day. Even if my best is smiling at the Gas Station attendant who's flipping out because the entire credit card system went down...it is enough. Just to do my best in this "human suit" I've been given and maybe help someone else to do their best in theirs. We're enough.

What Have You Done?

So, as I climb my way slowly out of the "deadline" hole that I've dug for myself, as I gradually hack at these writing assignments that I've over-committed myself to, I am struck by the fact that I still believe, on some level, that how "well" I do this bunch of writing will determine my fate. If I write "brilliantly" all will be well, if I write "badly" I will never work again and never, ever have anyone love me ever again. And it's not that I actually "think" this. My mind tells me that this is silly and irrational and "dramatic", but my body feels it. The pressure while I'm writing I can actually feel on my shoulders, my forehead, my hands even. And, definitely, my heart. It's that pulsating, rancid death-grab of the feeling of "what if I'm not good enough?" Now, I've been around long enough to know that's a bunch of malarkey and I just have to sit down and write and it will come, the good story, the fun idea, the clever character, the great dialogue. And even if the bad plot or stupid dialogue comes instead, it's always an indication that something else has gone awry with the piece, which can be fixed if I just can find where I went astray. Because I really do believe that it's my job to show up and get out of the way and be a "channel" for the creative force in the universe. But I still fear that dreaded rejection, that dreaded look in someone's eyes when I can tell that it's just "okay", or that horrid comment of "it's a good beginning". To which I want to respond: "Beginning? Are you kidding? It's PERFECT RIGHT NOW!!!!" But someone recently pointed out to me that the fear is actually unwarranted. Because, if indeed I am just a "channel" for the creative energy, for God's work, then whatever work I produce, it follows that it's not MY work. It's God's work. So, technically, it's not my ass that's out there, that people are judging. It's God's ass. And for some reason? That really, really, really makes things easier.