To Turn The Other Cheek

So, since it's the season of "loving neighbors/enemies" and such (as if there should be a season where we don't do this, but I guess we have to take what we can get), I've been thinking a lot about this idea of "acceptance". And how, if we really do "accept" our brothers and sisters as they are, how do we navigate the evil things that they/we do? How do we "accept" a situation and still show our disapproval? In other words, how to we fight without having to fight? Since I'm not really an expert on this, I thought I'd let one of them speak for me, so am posting this section in full: "There are two classical responses to evil: fight or flight. When confronted with injustice or violence, we can answer in kind--and sometimes in our sinful world that is all that we can reasonably do. But as every playground bully and every geopolitical aggressor knows, this usually leads to an act of counterviolence, and then still another retaliation until the opponents are locked in an endless round of fighting. Ghandi expressed it this way: 'an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind'. The other typical responses to aggression are running away or submitting--and sometimes, given our finite, sinful situation, that is all we can do. But, finally, we all know that ceding to violence tends only to justify the aggressor and encourage even more injustice. And therefore it appears as though, in regard to solving the problem of violence, we are locked in a no-win situation, compelled to oscillate back and forth between two deeply unsatisfactory strategies. In his instruction on nonviolence Jesus is giving us a way out, and we will grasp this if we attend carefully to the famous example he uses: 'to the person who strikes you on the one cheek, offer the other one as well.' (Lk 6:29). In the society of the time, one would never have used one's left hand for any form of social interaction, since it was considered unclean. Thus, if someone strikes you on the right cheek, he is hitting you with the back of his hand, and this was the manner in which one would strike a slave or a child or a social inferior. In the face of this kind of violence, Jesus is recommending neither fighting back nor fleeing, but rather standing one's ground. To turn the other cheek is to prevent him from hitting you the same way again. It is not to run or to acquiesce, but rather to signal to the aggressor that you refuse to accept the set of assumptions that have made his aggression possible. It is to show that you are occupying a different moral space. It is also, consequently, a manner of mirroring back to the violent person the deep injustice of what he is doing. The great promise of this approach is that it might not only stop the violence but also transform the perpetrator of it." --Robert Barron's "Catholicism: a journey to the heart of the faith"

What Do I Get?

This is always pretty much my first thought. Before I do anything. Before I answer the phone, before I make a call, return an email, send an email, buy a present, get a present, go for a walk, go to a party, have a party, etc. My first thought is usually: what am I gonna get out of this? And it's horrible, right? I mean, our society, and our brains, tell us that it's okay to think like that, that we always need to out perform, out think, out maneuver everyone and everything in order to eke out a miserable spot in this unfriendly universe (not my words, Chuck C's). That if we don't "watch out" that someone's going to take advantage of us, that we're going to lose out, that we're going to "miss something", that simply by going left instead of right at any given moment, our entire life can get screwed up and we'll be punished... And that because we think this is true, we then HAVE to act accordingly. We HAVE to protect ourselves, we HAVE to be selfish and pay more attention to ourselves than to others. But what if it's not true? What if, by simply asking myself as I begin my day: what am I being called to do today? what can I do for others today? how can I help another/the world/my community/my friends/my family today? Is it possible that the universe will meet me half way? More than half way? Is it possible, that if I act with kindness, the real kind, not the "what do I get for being nice to someone" kind, that kindness will be visited upon me? I think it is. Actually, I don't think, I know it is. And not intellectually, I feel it in my being. I have experienced it. And sometimes I am not met with kindness, sometimes people just don't know how to be kind, but it doesn't seem to matter. Because when I give without thinking about the cost or the "return", I feel in my bones the POSSIBILITY of kindness. I feel that my action, however small, is serving some greater purpose and that I am taking part in a power greater than myself that can indeed change the world. It also reminds me that the real struggle that we humans have, is not with the rest of the world, with other people, that it is within ourselves. And if I can continue to practice selflessness, practice humility, practice love and tolerance and kindness, that others might indeed feel a desire to do the same. Because I can tell you, there is a peace that comes, there is a serenity that comes, when I act without the thought of "what do I get?" Not that I don't still think it. It's an old idea, it's a habit to think that way, and I'm working to break it. But it still comes. But I don't have to act on it. And I don't have to kick myself for thinking it either. I act. And I act against the devil that's inside me. Not against the devil that I perceive to be "out there".

Procrastination

Yep. I said it. And what I know is that I am very crafty at avoiding things. In fact, I've gotten so crafty, that the way I sometimes trick myself into getting a certain thing done, is by agreeing to do something that scares me MORE than the thing I have to get done. So, let's say, for example, I have to finish rewriting a treatment. My procrastination, I know, comes from my fear of not doing it perfectly or well enough to get the approval I somehow feel that I so desperately need. So, in order to get myself motivated enough to do the work that scares me, I remember that I have to finish that screenplay as well, and that REALLY scares me. So, in that light, the treatment doesn't seem so hard to do. So I do it. I think it's so interesting that I'm very comfortable using "fear" as a motivator. It's easier for me to choose between the lesser of two fears than it is to do what I know to be the softer, easier way, which is to remember that there's actually nothing to be frightened of, because I'm not doing the work. The Creativity is doing the work. I'm just showing up at the computer, willing and ready. And, if I just get out of the way, I will indeed be the channel for that energy. And then it's really not my ass on the line, it's the Creative energy's ass. But it still works for me, on some level, this running away from the bigger fear. And I suppose it's okay, because it does allow me to get my work done. But it does leave me with this lingering anxiety. This feeling that what I do is still just not good enough. The pressure to make sure the result of my writing is exactly what it needs to be is still very present in my body and mind when I'm acting from a place of fear. From a place of "it's not good enough, and therefore I'm not good enough." Good enough for what? Seriously. Good enough for what? It's a prayer I have to say everyday because I just don't believe that "good enough for what" is unanswerable, nay even absurd. So, I say it, all the time: "I'm enough. Just as I am. I'm enough. How I am, where I am, what I am. Right now. It's enough. I'm enough." And I'm now having this sneaking suspicion that it's actually true. At least for today it is. And that is indeed enough.

Closings

So, I'm working on this show, backstage, and they're closing today. A wonderful production of You Can't Take It With You here at Antaeus. I say "they're" closing, not "we're" closing, because I joined the show near the end of the run, and I'm not one of the actors in the show. However, I do play a "small but vital role" as the wielder of the props, but it's just such a different experience. And, I'm enjoying watching all these folks, that started working on this play many, many weeks ago, enjoy each other. They're laughing and crying, and in this wonderful place of celebration as they send this one off to the Theatre Gods. And it's really lovely to be on the outside, to actually get to witness this experience, instead of being inside all the feelings that come up when you have to say "good-bye" to a play that you've loved performing in. I thought it was going to be uncomfortable, not being "in the midst", but I'm realizing what a gift it is, to see, from an objective point of view, how remarkable this life in the theatre really is. This life that continually blooms and dies, then blooms again in a different way and thus dies again in a different way, over and over again. This life, that despite the odds and the costs, continues to thrive. It is indeed a mystery.

Friendship

So, I've been thinking a lot about this recently. What exactly this means. I remember my first best friend (I guess the kids today say BFF or something like that). I can't tell you how we came to be friends. If it was a matter of convenience or temperament or similar likes and dislikes. But we were friends for many, many years, until she moved away. And even then, my parents and hers would arrange for us to spend a few weeks together in the summer. We would create stories around the dolls we shared and we would fight over...I don't remember what exactly...but it was one of those things where, even with my limited capacity for understanding the finer points of complex personal relationships, I knew that the two of us together would endure. We would survive her moving away and our rows. Of course, we eventually grew up and apart and reconnected on the facebook years later. And since then, I've had numerous friends throughout my life. But it has occurred to me that some of the people were not actually friends. Some were men I "dated" who just wanted to be "friends". We all know what THAT means. Some were rather toxic individuals that I got some sick satisfaction out of letting control me, or letting me control them. And then there were those people that I only seemed to meet up with at a bar and we would make "all those plans" and then never follow through. And then there were those who were and are closer to family: they drive me crazy and I can't hang out with them all the time, but I've known them for so long and been through so much with them, that there's no question in my being that we shall "endure". But I've experienced a new kind of friendship over these past few years. And that's not to say that I'm meeting a different kind of people, it's that my understanding of and approach to actual friendship is different now. Boy, those men I dated were wrong. Being a friend to someone, letting them be a friend to you, is infinitely more complex and rewarding than "dating". I have learned that being a friend is an action. It involves patience, attention, forgiveness, trust, willingness, vulnerability, understanding, kindness, and, above all, love. True love. Not the "I give to get" kind of love, but the "I give, because that will make you happy" kind of love. Love that, as Father Robert Barron says, "wills the good will of the other as other". It is not about possession, or about control, or about manipulation, or about barter, or about justice, or about power. It's sometimes just about sitting and listening to someone cry. It's sometimes just about letting someone else listen to you cry. It's about asking someone for help. It's about giving someone else help when they ask. It's about watching someone act out or fall down or descend into despair or hurt themselves or others and loving them anyway. It's about knowing that someone will do the same for me. And so we bear witness to each other's lives. And that really is all. That really is everything. It is indeed the food that we cannot live without. At least I can't.

Jury Duty

I know, "grooooaaaannnnn". That's what everyone says when you tell them you're on Jury Duty. And it is a bit of a groan, but this time, I actually got on a trial. And while I am at liberty now that it's over to talk about the case, what I'm really more interested in is talking about the jury. I've heard all these horror stories from the attorneys I know saying "it's so hard to get good jurors, they're all so stupid!" or from people I know who've been on juries "oh, my god, the other jurors were so not interested!" or from people I know who've had to be tried by a jury "oh, the jurors were so lame!" Well, I'm here to tell you that that was NOT my experience. I was sitting down with eleven of the most thoughtful, kind, interested and interesting, delightful people. They were funny. They were courteous. They were just down right nice. And they were very human. And, most importantly, everyone really, really, really wanted to do the right thing. And, what I found particularly lovely, is people spoke up about their sadness that they had to find the defendant guilty. That someone, who by all accounts was not a "bad" person, made a really, really, really bad decision. It was really quite remarkable. And because of these fellows, it really made me rise to the occasion. I found myself taking a little more time to think about something I thought I had already made a judgement on. I found myself trying to help clarify a point rather than be an advocate for a point. In short, these eleven strangers, by their simple, straightforward authenticity and goodness, made me want to be my own authentic and good self. And I will always be grateful for the opportunity to have sat on a jury like this one. To see our country's legal system, with all it's flaws and failings, at work. A trial by a jury of one's peers. Remarkable. Truly. It was an honor and a privilege.