What Do I Get?

This is always pretty much my first thought. Before I do anything. Before I answer the phone, before I make a call, return an email, send an email, buy a present, get a present, go for a walk, go to a party, have a party, etc. My first thought is usually: what am I gonna get out of this? And it's horrible, right? I mean, our society, and our brains, tell us that it's okay to think like that, that we always need to out perform, out think, out maneuver everyone and everything in order to eke out a miserable spot in this unfriendly universe (not my words, Chuck C's). That if we don't "watch out" that someone's going to take advantage of us, that we're going to lose out, that we're going to "miss something", that simply by going left instead of right at any given moment, our entire life can get screwed up and we'll be punished... And that because we think this is true, we then HAVE to act accordingly. We HAVE to protect ourselves, we HAVE to be selfish and pay more attention to ourselves than to others. But what if it's not true? What if, by simply asking myself as I begin my day: what am I being called to do today? what can I do for others today? how can I help another/the world/my community/my friends/my family today? Is it possible that the universe will meet me half way? More than half way? Is it possible, that if I act with kindness, the real kind, not the "what do I get for being nice to someone" kind, that kindness will be visited upon me? I think it is. Actually, I don't think, I know it is. And not intellectually, I feel it in my being. I have experienced it. And sometimes I am not met with kindness, sometimes people just don't know how to be kind, but it doesn't seem to matter. Because when I give without thinking about the cost or the "return", I feel in my bones the POSSIBILITY of kindness. I feel that my action, however small, is serving some greater purpose and that I am taking part in a power greater than myself that can indeed change the world. It also reminds me that the real struggle that we humans have, is not with the rest of the world, with other people, that it is within ourselves. And if I can continue to practice selflessness, practice humility, practice love and tolerance and kindness, that others might indeed feel a desire to do the same. Because I can tell you, there is a peace that comes, there is a serenity that comes, when I act without the thought of "what do I get?" Not that I don't still think it. It's an old idea, it's a habit to think that way, and I'm working to break it. But it still comes. But I don't have to act on it. And I don't have to kick myself for thinking it either. I act. And I act against the devil that's inside me. Not against the devil that I perceive to be "out there".