Procrastination

Yep. I said it. And what I know is that I am very crafty at avoiding things. In fact, I've gotten so crafty, that the way I sometimes trick myself into getting a certain thing done, is by agreeing to do something that scares me MORE than the thing I have to get done. So, let's say, for example, I have to finish rewriting a treatment. My procrastination, I know, comes from my fear of not doing it perfectly or well enough to get the approval I somehow feel that I so desperately need. So, in order to get myself motivated enough to do the work that scares me, I remember that I have to finish that screenplay as well, and that REALLY scares me. So, in that light, the treatment doesn't seem so hard to do. So I do it. I think it's so interesting that I'm very comfortable using "fear" as a motivator. It's easier for me to choose between the lesser of two fears than it is to do what I know to be the softer, easier way, which is to remember that there's actually nothing to be frightened of, because I'm not doing the work. The Creativity is doing the work. I'm just showing up at the computer, willing and ready. And, if I just get out of the way, I will indeed be the channel for that energy. And then it's really not my ass on the line, it's the Creative energy's ass. But it still works for me, on some level, this running away from the bigger fear. And I suppose it's okay, because it does allow me to get my work done. But it does leave me with this lingering anxiety. This feeling that what I do is still just not good enough. The pressure to make sure the result of my writing is exactly what it needs to be is still very present in my body and mind when I'm acting from a place of fear. From a place of "it's not good enough, and therefore I'm not good enough." Good enough for what? Seriously. Good enough for what? It's a prayer I have to say everyday because I just don't believe that "good enough for what" is unanswerable, nay even absurd. So, I say it, all the time: "I'm enough. Just as I am. I'm enough. How I am, where I am, what I am. Right now. It's enough. I'm enough." And I'm now having this sneaking suspicion that it's actually true. At least for today it is. And that is indeed enough.