DOING HORRIBLE THINGS

So, I recently did something I'm not proud of. I recently acted in a way that could have, but did not (thank God), hurt someone. And I'm not talking about something major like stealing thousands of dollars from children in need, or fleeing the scene of an accident I caused...by all accounts, it was something fairly small...but to me...it seems HUGE! And I am spinning, replaying the incident over and over in my head, and vacillating between beating myself up and trying to justify my behavior by reminding myself of all the "bad" things that other person has done...you get the idea. So I've been trying, when I'm not either blaming myself or the other person, to just sit in the uncomfortable feeling of shame. And it's really, really, really hard to do. But my practice tells me that if I continue to blame, either myself or the other person, that I am in fact just "trying to escape" from the truth of the situation, which is, that I acted in a way that is selfish and based in fear. And when I do that, I'm going to experience pain. Guilt, shame, fear, insecurity, etc. And while sitting in that pain is extremely hard to do, and it feels like the "wrong" thing to do at times, I do know that it is the only way to keep myself from escalating my own suffering. That if I put in a modicum of effort into trying to get to know these feelings of guilt, shame, fear, insecurity, etc., that I can eventually experience them as what they really are: just feelings. They are not facts. They are not proof that I should be kicked off the planet or that other people should just shape up and do what I want for crying out loud...they are actually just thoughts with energy. So while I practice that, and have the willingness to let the story my head is telling me about a given situation go and just sit in that energy, I get these little insights. And they're not the usual "mental" insights that I have which usually involve me starting my own business or over-booking myself...it's more an inspiration of the heart. A clear moment of seeing. And this time, that insight involved me suddenly realizing that the REASON I feel so crappy about doing this "thing" that I did, is not just that I'm afraid people will think I'm a horrible, evil person that is not worthy of ANYONE'S love, but that I'm starting to recognize other people as my brothers and sisters. If I didn't feel bad about what I did, then I would actually be worse off, I would indeed be a horrible, evil person...but I'm not. I feel bad. Because I hurt someone, or could have hurt someone, and because that person is not, in fact, different from me or separate from me, because they are, in fact, my brother/sister, no better and no worse, because of that, I am going to, in fact, experience pain when I pretend that I am separate. That you are different. That I need to get stuff from you. That I need to keep stuff from you. That I need to make sure that I'm up and you're down in order to feel okay. That if I let you see that I'm afraid or uncomfortable or don't know what to do or am flawed and fall down a lot or say stupid crap a lot or pretend that I've "got it all together". If I see you and me in the illusion of this world, that you and I are NOT part of the same fabric, the same earth, the same energy...then I am going to continue to suffer, because I am going to continue to feel as though you can hurt me, and so, to guard against that, I'm going to hurt you first. And that is a fact. That is not just a feeling. So what I'm here to celebrate this morning, while I still continue to feel crappy, is that I'm changing. That my perception and experience of this world is shifting. These feelings I have are a direct result of me starting to see the world as it really is. A manifestation of interbeing. And my role in that "interbeing" is to share. My time, my voice, my love, my sadness, my joy, my wee bit of knowledge, my experience, my weakness, my strength, and dammit, my hope that all this, if I keep practicing, will, in fact, mean something to somebody somewhere...