Shelter

So, I think I'm starting to realize that if I don't feel safe, I don't do very well. When I feel afraid or insecure, I start to "get" security from the outside world. I try to use ice cream or mac-n-cheese or a DVD box set or a ton of work or another person to feel "okay". And wow does that not work. The trouble is I pretty much always feel "unsafe". I'm pretty much afraid of most things. Afraid of change. Afraid not to change. Afraid of being around people. Afraid of not being around people. You get the idea. So what to do? I'm mean it seriously gets so bad that the other day I was lying in my bed saying to myself "God, I wish I was in bed!" Which leads me to believe that it's not really a physical problem, this security issue, it's a spiritual problem. Anyway, what to do? Well, the irony is "not much". I heard a wonderful line: "Don't just do something, sit there!" And it really works. In terms of this whole "feeling safe" thing. Because if I just take a pause, take a moment, and remind myself that I'm okay, in this moment. That I'm not bleeding, that nothing is really wrong, and that, no matter what happens, I will be given what I need at any given moment to do what I need to do, if only I am willing to ask, to seek, to witness. I have to put out my hand. And only then, will someone take it. I have been, and will be, and am, right now, being taken care of. And what's great about that realization. Is that then I don't need anything from the outside world. So I can just enjoy the outside world. I can participate in it, because I don't have to "get" anything from it. I can just be in it. One day at a time.

Primary Purpose

I don't know. But if I don't have one of these, I'm sunk. It's really hard going through the day constantly wondering and worrying about what all my actions will add up to, what it all means, what's right, what's wrong, what's good, what's bad...but when I think about what I'm here for. What I'm really here for. Then everything else seems to fall into place. And really, I'm here to help others. To bring harmony wherever I go. And the only way I can do that is to keep myself undisturbed. Because when I'm disturbed...look out. So, it's my job to be aware of what state I'm in, and then after that...well, pretty much I try to listen and be kind. And ask questions. I heard an interview with Michael Sheen about his three-day performance piece called the Passion of Port Albert, where he enacted the Passion of the Christ in modern times over 72 hours in his Welsh fishing village, Port Albert. When asked why he wanted to play Jesus, he said that he felt that it was the greatest fear of all human beings that their story will never be heard, that no one will bear witness to their life. So, that that's what Jesus did, more than anything, he listened to everyone's story. So, I think I can try that. To listen to people. And then take a nap. It's a start.

Down Time

So it's hard. For people like me. Who determine their value in the world by the amount of work they do. To take a day off. But I know it's important to do this. So, I'm starting small. Just taking a few hours off here and there as a start. And you know what? It's pretty great. Of course it takes about a half hour for me to relax, to actually accept the fact that I'm really not supposed to do anything during this allotted time. But once I settle in. It's really nice. But then, this thing happens. I'm just sitting there or lying there or walking there and I think: "oh, man, this'd be great to do all the time." And then it's all over. I descend. I think "I can't believe I have to WORK, why do we have to WORK, why can't we do what we want ALL THE TIME????" It's pretty bad. And I think that's why I never want to "stop". Because once I stop, then I won't want to start again. It's that old "if I take a twenty minute nap, I'm gonna want a two hour nap, so why bother" thing. What it really amounts to is I don't know how to just be where I'm at. I'm so worried about what's going to happen, that I'm not really aware of what's happening. So, in effect, I'm missing my life. Because my life actually only "happens" in the present. It's the only place in which I breathe and observe and enjoy and love and cry and am a human being. So, I think it's worth it. To practice being present. To practice just being here. To practice being a human being instead of a human doing. Because the work I do will not show up at my funeral. The people I take the time to chat with and listen to and sit with and walk with and love on will be. So, I think they're worth a little "down time". We all are worth a little "down time".

Love

So because of my post yesterday I got some "inquiries" from various friends asking if I was "okay". I explained that while indeed some of those things had happened to me recently, not all of those things had happened to me. That is was more of a "or" situation than an "and" situation, and that I was trying to be "inclusive" and also, it seems, "hypothetical". Regardless, the point is: I have people that care about me! And while that's been something that I've been blessed with my entire life, I've only recently been able to actually comprehend that fact. To actually physically feel that fact. I don't know what it is that keeps some of us from experiencing and accepting the love that people wish to share with us, give us, shower upon us. And I don't know why it is that I'm one of those people. But I do know that, despite my thoughts on the matter, there is a cold hard truth: people love. And they need a recipient of that love. So, in so very many ways, not accepting someone's love is a selfish act. It's always been said that humans need two things to survive, they need to be loved and to be needed. But I like Chuck Chamberlain's version: that what humans really need is to love and to do. Makes sense to me. And so, that means it is just as much my responsibility to receive love as it is to give it. But here's the rub: sometimes people don't love me the way I want them to love me. And sometimes they don't want to be loved the way that I want to love them. So, once again, I have to pay attention in these matters. And really, really make it an endeavor of mine to discern exactly how someone wants to be loved, as well as let people off the hook for loving the best that they can. We all are. Doing the best that we can. Just for today.

Disappointment

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" is what they say. Well, they leave out the part that in order to get "stronger" you have to tear some friggin' muscle tissue. I think the same goes for our souls. We have to tear a bit, get banged up a bit, lose a bit, get humiliated a bit, in order to become who we really are. Personally, I hate that. But I know it's true. I also know it's true that the real test of a person's character is what they choose to do when their down. Anyone can make a really awesomely selfless decision when they've got money in the bank, or a nice house or a great boyfriend, or just got an AMAZING review on their new play... But when you've just lost your job, or when your account is overdrawn, or your boyfriend's just left you, or just being a jerk, or your kitty has just passed away, or someone you respect has just told you your performance was "okay" in that play... Well, will we still drop a dollar in the homeless guy's cup? Will we still call our mother and wish her Happy Thanksgiving? Will we get up early to meet that girl who almost overdosed again for coffee? Will we put out our hand to a stranger? Will we treat ourselves to a massage or a nice hot bath? Will we remember we're really not driving this car, that we're along for the ride, and it's up to us whether or not we want to enjoy it. Whether we can see these setbacks or hurts or disappointments as tools for our growth, or just as the crap the universe is throwing at us because everything just sucks and is too hard and why is that other girl so skinny and beautiful?????? It's a choice. And while I know which one I should choose. Some days I just can't. Some days I'm just sad or mad or blue or grouchy or prickly or so afraid I feel like I have no skin. But I think that's okay too. I've only got this human heart. And my experience tells me that that's all I'm supposed to have. A human heart. It's good enough. So then that must mean, that I am enough. We all are. I hope.

Writing

So they say the greatest form of procrastination is a new idea... And wow, so true. Because when I sit down to work on this project, that project comes to mind. When I sit down to work on that project, this project comes to mind. I used to think it was because I was because I was undisciplined, and that may still be true, but I think what's really going on is I don't like to not be in charge. When one sits down to write, one is, in fact, surrendering to the creative gods. You have to sit there and "let the writing come", which means, in effect, that you have to get out of the friggin' way. And I really don't like that. So, instead of just being where I'm at, which is waiting for the muse to do her work, I want to be somewhere else. Somewhere else that I believe to be more comfortable. Because when you're writing, when you're actually in the act, there's a great deal of "I don't know". And that is super scary. But it always works. I've never not had it work. To just keep sitting down, to just keep getting out of the way, to just keep letting the creative energy that's moving through me do it's stuff. But it is a leap of faith every time. It is an act of humility. To know that really, all I'm doing is showing up. I'm just sitting here, like I said I would and "working" on this project while something else provides the inspiration. It's funny, because I've always thought writing was hard. What's hard is letting myself write. The actual act, well, it's really not up to me. And why that isn't comforting, why that doesn't make the whole thing easier, I will never know. Or rather, I'm thinking, my ego will never know. Sigh... Progress not perfection.

Early Mornings

So, I've had to get up super early the last few days, various commitments, all in service of other people. And now, here it is, a morning I can sleep in...and I can't. Argggh, I say, argggh!!! However, it occurs to me that this is a pretty remarkable time. Before anyone else is up (well, that's pretty darn relative as most of great Los Angeles is indeed up as most people do have children and work proper jobs), and before the streets around my house start buzzing with their daily nonsensical activity. So, it's really a premiere time to get things done. Particularly to get creative things done. However, getting creative things done is hard. And early in the morning...wow, my bed is awesome. Soft. Warm. Comfortable. It's friggin' flannel I'm talking about here. So, to actually get up, put on socks AND slippers, wrap up in a blanket, go out to the living room, turn on my computer and the wee light, sit and try to work on my writing and my auditions...well, you might as well be asking me to hike Kilimanjaro. But here I am. Having done just that. How, may you ask? Well, I did what I did the previous few days. I had to get up because my presence at these various commitments was to help others. So, what if that's how I start looking at my work? That by writing and by acting I am indeed helping others. Helping others to see their story they've hired me to write in a clearer way? Helping others to see that part in that play in a different light? And not in a "oh, the world can't possibly function without me" kind of way. But in a "I get to participate in this life" kind of way. All I know is when I don't make it about me, I have an easier time of it. When I'm not the one who has to make it through my day, I have an easier time of it. When I let whatever power there is in the universe get my butt out of those awesome flannel sheets and duvee, I just have a better time of it. And that power, whatever it is, seems to work better when I'm not thinking about "what can I get today?" but instead "what can I give today?" So, just for today, I'm gonna go with that.

Students

So, I've been teaching these kids. These kids who are in this place that's not quite a juvie hall, but not quite a regular school, and definitely not prison. They've all got pasts, pasts that no kid in his teenaged years should have. But they do. And I'm there, with my buddies from the theatre, teaching them about Macbeth. About actions, about thoughts, about consequences, about humanity. I hope. And these kids get it. They really do. They see the cycles of violence. They see the violence of cycles. And, on a cellular level, they know what it means to literally go through hell. But the hard part is, knowing that they're just at this school for a bit. For a little while, for just enough time to "put a band-aid on" as the principal says, and then they go back out into the cold, cruel world. For most of them, that cold, cruel world is their own home. But while they're here, they get to learn about William Shakespeare. And about playwriting and acting. They get to watch a gaggle of four relatively-starving actors "do their stuff", and while we "do our stuff" we listen to them, we advise them, we write down their stories and put them together in a play that they then get to tell their whole school. So, I guess, we, like them, only have this little bit as well. We have this time, when we don't have to worry about our bills, about our cars in the repair shops, about our email or our long list of things we HAVE to do before we go off and do that other thing we HAVE to do so we can finally get to do what we WANT to do... We get to just be. With these kids. Listening. And watching. And just participating in a little day in the life. A day in theirs and in ours. A day. Where we GET to do this thing. This thing that is so very important to the spiritual survival of all of us: we get to bear witness to the suffering and joy of another. We get to remind them that they are not alone. And in doing that, we remind ourselves. We GET to do this thing.

Just Do It

So, I've been thinking... And that's a problem for me. I heard a good friend say once, "My brain is for entertainment purposes only!" And it seems to apply to me. When using my brain to think up stories or solve problems/blocks within my stories, or within my acting work, I'm good. I always seem to understand that idea that I need to get out of the way and let the "creative energy" do its work through me. I am the vehicle, not the fuel or even the engine for that matter. But when I start to use my brain to analyze my life? Katie, bar the door. Seriously, it's a problem. Because my brain is DESIGNED to create stories. So it does just that. When someone doesn't text me back INSTANTLY, I make up a story that they hate me, or that I need to do something nice for them so they'll like me MORE, or that they're just a jerk and I need to cut them out of my life completely. But really. There's no story. It's just an event that's happening in the world. And, most importantly, it's not happening TO me, it's just happening. Because really? Really someone doesn't text me back INSTANTLY because there's some enormous moral failing on either my part or their part? Seriously? This is where I remind myself of my ability to "get out of the way" in my creative work. What if I just "get out of the way" of my life? What if I just do what's in front of me and let whatever happens happens? What if everything that happens in the world is not about ME? Scary thought. But not a scary action. It's just that. An action. Just do it. Or in the case of believing I should send a snotty text back to that "non-instantly-texting-me-back" friend... Just Don't Do It.

So, it's cold here in Los Angeles. And I know all you Chicagoans are saying to yourselves: "Cold? You don't know cold, girl!" But here's the thing. Back in Chicago, buildings have a little something called "heat". It's a fairly remarkable invention, whereby, when it's cold outside, one does NOT have to wear a scarf in one's home. Unless of course it's for fashion's sake. But, seriously, who are those people? There's also this extraordinary thing called "insulation". So, while, yes, Chicago is COLD on the outside, once one goes inside...well, one can practically grow bananas in February. But here in the ridiculousness that is L.A. weather, and the absurdity that is the California Construction Code, one finds oneself having to visit the chiropractor on a more regular basis because one is spending one's time with one's shoulders at one's ears because IT'S REALLY COLD! I am, of course, reminded of those who have no power or water or home at all right now out on the East Coast, and so having to sit under three blankets and wear gloves and a hat in my house really doesn't seem that awful to bear. I guess it's just there's still a piece of me that holds on to that image I had of my life in Los Angeles when I first was driving across the county: it was all mimosas on the veranda, strappy sandles on the beach, convertibles in the driveway... Because really it's just reheated catering gig java in a theatre mug, snoopy slippers over thermal socks in the kitchen washing dishes, and my CRV is still full of bags for goodwill in the leaky garage. However, it is a small price to pay for roses blooming all year round. Oh, and I don't have a shovel and an ice-scraper in my car any more... Eat it, Chicago!

A New Day. Again. So, it's been awhile. And I've been busy. Seriously. My desperate need to over-commit myself to make sure that everyone loves me ENOUGH, really went into overdrive this past year. That being said: I've gotten a lot done. That being said: I'm pretty tired. That being said: I suddenly have the opportunity to relax a bit while finishing up all these pesky deadlines that I have. Why, may you ask? Well, it's pretty easy when God says, in the form of your supervisor at your dayjob, "You won't be working here anymore." That's right. After eight years at that legal publishing firm, I've been "released" into the world. Now, I've had a break before, after my nasty car accident several years ago. But that wasn't really a break, more of a "see how well I can manage pain on a daily basis" kind of thing, but this...it's as if I've been readying myself for this. I have lots to do. Lots I want to do. The capacity to do what I want to do. The tools I need to be patient while I continue to ask myself, "Self, what do you want to do?" Really, I don't know what's going on. But I do have things in front of me to do. So I'm going to do those. And then take some time to see what's in store. I recently read something somewhere that said that along with whatever desire is planted deep within us, is the guiding force to tell us where to go and what to do in order to achieve that desire. So, I'm taking some time to listen today. And tomorrow... Time. I have some of that now. It's wicked nice. And don't worry those of you who I owe a screenplay or a treatment to. It's coming!